1 00:01:08,749 --> 00:01:14,549 and l wanted your love but l got uncertainty 2 00:01:15,649 --> 00:01:19,649 and Tried so hard to understand you 3 00:01:19,749 --> 00:01:22,249 and All the good it did me 4 00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:25,249 and Now the places that we knew 5 00:01:25,349 --> 00:01:27,949 and Remind me of how we were... 6 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:31,180 Excuse me but we've had complaints about excessive perspiration. 7 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,380 - Could you please leave? - You cheeky sod, you. 8 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,780 - Orange juice? - With vodka. 9 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,980 and And do you ever think... 10 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,480 Hi, Mum. 11 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:48,980 l suppose Marie's told you, she could never keep quiet. 12 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,280 - ls that new? - No, it's ages old. 13 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,780 l would've bought you that. l buy you things and you never wear them. 14 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,380 - So what has he been saying? - Mm. 15 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,280 Oh, he's the expert now. 16 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:03,980 Apparently you can get a form from the town hall, no lawyers. 17 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:08,080 - You can get divorced for 45 quid. - Don't you need a reason? 18 00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:10,180 How much did it cost? 19 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,680 - l don't know, 80. - 18? 20 00:02:13,980 --> 00:02:16,780 - 80. - On a shirt? 21 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:20,980 - He must've said why. - l stopped listening a long time back. 22 00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:24,880 Oh, and he's always got something to nag about. 23 00:02:24,980 --> 00:02:28,780 Like Marie, Robert taking off like that. Food and drink to him. 24 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,580 Nothing he likes more than a bit of trouble. 25 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,280 - What have you said? - Mm! l'm looking at flats. 26 00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:38,380 Nice little place in Hale, l've kept meself in trim, 27 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,080 l'll have a fine old time. 28 00:02:41,180 --> 00:02:44,480 You could show me round. You can be my guide. 29 00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:47,980 Singles bars. Sure you must know them all. 30 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,580 Come on, then, you haven't said a word. How's it going? 31 00:02:55,780 --> 00:02:58,780 That date of yours, your new girlfriend. 32 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,980 Um, not so bad. 33 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,380 You're still seeing her, then? 34 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:07,180 How long's that been now? What's her name? 35 00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,380 Rosalie, l'm with a customer. 36 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,680 Oh. Sorry. 37 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,380 There's all sorts of benefits with the club card, sir. 38 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,780 Save up points, you can get air miles, weekend breaks. 39 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,480 - Are any benefits in-store? - What would you have in mind, sir? 40 00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:28,580 l just thought there might be the chance to shag one of the staff. 41 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,680 Exactly what kind of shag did sir have in mind? 42 00:03:38,980 --> 00:03:41,980 - l could get it to your car in 10 minutes. - (Mobile) 43 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:45,080 This goes well beyond my job description. 44 00:03:45,180 --> 00:03:48,680 And he didn't pay for it. lf he said he did, he's lying. 45 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:50,980 lt's all on insurance. 46 00:03:53,780 --> 00:03:55,580 Hold on a minute. 47 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,780 - Hiya. - We're going out. 48 00:03:57,880 --> 00:04:01,780 lt's student night at Paradise. lt's time l had an educated shag. 49 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,180 l can't. l'm busy. 50 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,980 'You're never busy. Oh, yeah, right, Cameron.' 51 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,680 - (Horn blasts) - Fuck off! 52 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,980 Vince, you've got to. My parents are off their fucking heads! 53 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:16,780 (Groans) 54 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,780 He was dancing like a twat. 55 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:26,080 He looks nice and then he started dancing like a fucking twat. 56 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,680 Oh, yeah. 57 00:04:27,780 --> 00:04:29,780 (Laughing) 58 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,780 l'll put him to bed. 59 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,480 You drive home. l'll be round in 20 minutes. 60 00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:36,680 And it's bonus points, remember. 61 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:39,880 l should've gone for that two-for-one on Nescafé. 62 00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,580 Vince! 63 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,280 Vince! Help me! 64 00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,180 Jesus Christ, help me. They're gonna kill me! 65 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,880 They've got knives and everything. 66 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,880 - They're gonna kill me! - Who? 67 00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,180 No one, it's just a good entrance. 68 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:56,280 Look, it's me! l'm back, l'm home. 69 00:04:56,380 --> 00:05:00,580 Rodrigo went mad. Chucked me out. Chased me round Balham with a gun. 70 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,680 - What about your job? - l binned it. 71 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,680 Put me on a Saturday night shift. 72 00:05:04,780 --> 00:05:07,980 Saturday night and me - me, a homosexual. 73 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,580 - Can l stay at yours? - Yeah, but l was staying at Cameron's. 74 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,680 Um, this is Cameron. Cameron, Alexander. 75 00:05:15,780 --> 00:05:18,780 We've met. l was at Philip Delaney's funeral. 76 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,280 Oh, Australian, very nice. 77 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:25,680 Down under, didgeridoos, mammals with pouches. Loads of material, fab. 78 00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:27,980 Can we go? 79 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,580 You sort this lot out, l'll see you tomorrow. 80 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,380 Ooh, don't mind me. 81 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,980 (Horn blasts) 82 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,180 - Oh! - Ooh, are you all right? 83 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,680 See you tomorrow. 84 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,380 l turn my back for a second. 85 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,080 Vincent Tyler, is that or is that not a boyfriend? 86 00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:55,580 lt's not boyfriend-boyfriend. We're just having a laugh. 87 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,180 He's a boyfriend, you liar. Boyfriend. Capital B. 88 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:01,780 He is not. He's just a bloke, that's all. 89 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,280 - Looked like a boyfriend to me. - Oh, give it a rest. 90 00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:09,980 Then tell me. When you have a wank, do you think about him? 91 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,580 - What's that got to do with it? - Do you think about Cameron? 92 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,880 - No. - Congratulations, he's your boyfriend. 93 00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:20,780 - l suppose. - Oh, sound happy for God's sake. 94 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,980 - Good shag? - Magnificent shag. 95 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,180 Well, there you are, then. 96 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,080 l don't know. lt's like... 97 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,780 - He's a bit non-scene. - Ooh. 98 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,080 l mean, he comes out with me, he goes to Canal Street, 99 00:06:33,180 --> 00:06:35,180 but he's sort of outside it. 100 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,480 Sometimes he looks at me like l've been brought up by a pack of wolves. 101 00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:41,780 Anyway. Early days. 102 00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:46,680 (Marie) So let me see - l can't say l'm feeling gay, 103 00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:50,980 l can't say anything's bent or queer and l can't put my feet on the pouf. 104 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,780 (Stuart) Just don't think you're funny cos you're not. 105 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:59,180 And talk to him. l've talked myself to death, it's your turn. 106 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,680 Go in and talk. And l don't mean chat, l mean proper talk. 107 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,380 - How come you've got keys? - They're getting older, 108 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,680 of course l got keys. 109 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,880 - Hello? - (Margaret) Careful, that's the carpet. 110 00:07:13,980 --> 00:07:16,780 He paid for it, he can do what he likes with it. 111 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:20,480 - Boys not with you? - No, we'll have some peace. 112 00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:24,280 - Who are they with? - No one, l left them playing on a cliff. 113 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,280 (Margaret) He's in the garden. Don't mention the car. 114 00:07:29,380 --> 00:07:32,680 - That noise in the boot set him off. - Did he go to bed? 115 00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:36,380 Nervous stomach, threw up his tea, in bed before Watchdog. 116 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:50,980 - lt's looking good. - Should do. 117 00:07:52,980 --> 00:07:54,980 How's things? 118 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:58,480 Ah. 119 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,280 You busy? 120 00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:08,980 Yeah. 121 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,980 (Sighs) Good. 122 00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:16,180 (Grunting) 123 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:20,680 There's a fork there. 124 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,880 Unless that gear's too expensive for digging. 125 00:08:42,780 --> 00:08:44,680 (Horn beeps twice) 126 00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:47,380 Oh. Good timing. 127 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,880 Blimey. How many have you done? 128 00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,980 lt's Bernie, he's saving up for a carburettor. 129 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,880 - Right. So Mum, this is Cameron. - We sort of met before. 130 00:08:56,980 --> 00:09:01,580 - This is Bernie, the lodger. - lt's not a carburettor, it's a crankshaft. 131 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,580 And Nathan, lodger number two. 132 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,780 l'm not a lodger, l'm a refugee. 133 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:08,780 Don't cross me off, Beefy, there's more to come. 134 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,680 - So. Accountant, he says. - That's right. 135 00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:14,480 This is all cash in hand so don't go sniffing about. 136 00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:16,980 l won't say a word. 137 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,380 Own house? 138 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,880 Yes. 139 00:09:20,980 --> 00:09:22,280 Own car? 140 00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:25,280 - Yes. - He's got his own teeth as well. 141 00:09:25,380 --> 00:09:28,980 They've made Poli-Grip all but invisible. Right, Bernard? 142 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,180 You cheeky tart. 143 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,580 All right, then, Cameron. You'll do. 144 00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:37,380 Hey, lrene, our Vincent's got himself a fella. 145 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,780 Oh, very nice too. 146 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,880 ls it buggery, l'm getting old. These boxes won't shift themselves. 147 00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:46,180 ls she like that with all your boyfriends? 148 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,980 What boyfriends? You're the first. 149 00:09:55,780 --> 00:09:57,480 Right, are you having tea? 150 00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:01,180 None of that Earl Grey nonsense, it's plain old tea bags. 151 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,580 What do you mean exactly, tea bags? 152 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,580 What do you mean, what do l mean? Tea bags, tea in a bag, a bag full of tea. 153 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,180 Oh, right, that's quite good. 154 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,380 We did this sort of thing on walkabout in the bush. 155 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,180 We'd suspend tea leaves in the membrane sac of a newborn koala. 156 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:20,980 lt tasted nice. ln a meaty sort of a way. 157 00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:27,380 You're kidding me. 158 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,680 Yep. 159 00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:32,080 - (All laughing) - lt's all right, l knew. 160 00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:34,980 You can stay. Nathan, did you get the docket? 161 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,980 - Yeah. - Check it, they'll rob you blind. 162 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,480 l've had loads of boyfriends. 163 00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:44,080 - Like who? - Simon Harris, for starters. 164 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,880 - You didn't like him. - And Darren Griffiths. 165 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,380 - He didn't like you. - And Dominic Baxter. 166 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,580 - He stole all your money! - Yeah, Mum, thanks. 167 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:57,980 l'm just saying there's been loads. You don't know everything about me. 168 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,680 - Nathan, you had a boyfriend? - l'm only 15. 169 00:11:00,780 --> 00:11:05,380 For a moment there l thought you were the voice of experience. Obviously not. 170 00:11:11,980 --> 00:11:14,280 Right, set it in here. 171 00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:20,180 Now, l'll hold and you take that yoke off there. 172 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,880 Right. 173 00:11:31,780 --> 00:11:35,380 Well...l suppose you've heard? 174 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:37,380 Yeah. 175 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:42,780 Yeah, well, it's, uh... 176 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,880 we've changed our minds. 177 00:11:47,780 --> 00:11:49,980 lt's that endowment policy. 178 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,780 Matured last month. Might as well use it. 179 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:57,480 We looked at the sums but divorce would've eaten it up. 180 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:03,580 So, your mother's made the booking. Paris, next month. 181 00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,780 Right. 182 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,380 ls that it? ls that all it was? 183 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,580 This week's game? 184 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,880 Well, keeps her busy. 185 00:12:18,980 --> 00:12:22,880 What about Marie? You know, she's been worried sick. 186 00:12:22,980 --> 00:12:25,580 She's got the kids to look after and... 187 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,980 Fine. 188 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,180 Fine. Why am l surprised? 189 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,780 You just enjoy yourself, all right? 190 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:37,280 You just enjoy yourself, waste our time, it's fine! 191 00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:47,080 They're turning into lunatics. 192 00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:49,980 Sitting in that house like they're just bored! 193 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,180 lf ever there was an argument against settling down! 194 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,380 Stay married for 33 years, anyone'll end up like that. 195 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,780 lf you spent more time with them... 196 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,080 Learn their language, Stuart. 197 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,380 The boys'll be home soon. 198 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,980 - Things to do. - See you, then. 199 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,980 You could tell them you're gay. 200 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,480 They're not gonna drop dead and if they do, we get the house. 201 00:13:21,580 --> 00:13:25,280 Even if l was shagging lots of women, it's none of their business. 202 00:13:25,380 --> 00:13:27,980 But l've seen you, you're so bloody proud. 203 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,680 - How come they don't fit into that? - You can't talk to them. 204 00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:34,780 How long did it take you to tell them Robert was leaving? 205 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,780 He was halfway down the M6. 206 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:39,380 But l did tell them in the end. 207 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,080 What was l gonna do, lie for the rest of my life? 208 00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:43,580 Fuck off, Marie. 209 00:13:44,980 --> 00:13:47,380 Fuck off yourself. 210 00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:59,280 l did warn you. Call round my mother's and you get a list of shopping. 211 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,080 - Hiya. - Hiya. 212 00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:04,980 - Did you get the felt pens? - What does she need felt pens for? 213 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,180 God knows what goes on in Hazel World. 214 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,080 Last Christmas this bloke promised her tinsel, 10p a truckload. 215 00:14:11,180 --> 00:14:14,680 lt all went wrong and she ended up with half a ton of coffee. 216 00:14:14,780 --> 00:14:17,480 Oh, would you look at that? 217 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,180 Hello! Hello! 218 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:27,980 - (Couple chatting) - Hello! l said hello! 219 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:32,080 l said hello! Oi! 220 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:35,680 l said hello, look at me! l said hello! 221 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:42,780 That's right, Hazel had half a ton of coffee in the shed. 222 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,780 By August it was solid. Bernie had to chip it out. 223 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,380 Fuck 'em! Just fuck 'em! 224 00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:56,980 His mum and dad. 225 00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,880 and lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady 226 00:15:00,980 --> 00:15:02,980 and lf you're ready, oh-oh... 227 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,780 What is she like? 228 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:08,380 Here we go, Janice, what you having? 229 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,280 - l'll get them. - No, first one's on me. 230 00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:13,980 - Hello, love, you all right? - Who's that? 231 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,280 - His mother. - You're kidding! 232 00:15:16,380 --> 00:15:19,180 And Marie, like she's all concerned. 233 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,180 Remember when she was 1 7? ''l know about you.'' 234 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,480 ''l've seen your magazines. l'm gonna tell Mum and Dad.'' 235 00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,380 l had to fucking pay her. Drink? 236 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,380 So what's the problem? 237 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,380 Long story. 238 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:39,380 There's an idea, Nathan. You get them in. You get twice what l earn. 239 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,780 - What are you doing? - l'm out for a drink. lt's allowed. 240 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,780 l was just telling your mother - best day of my life. 241 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,780 My son came out, l find all this. lt's not just for you, Nathan. 242 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,580 - You're shaming me. - l'm with Hazel, l'm not bothering you. 243 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,580 You're following me around. lt's shaming. 244 00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:00,680 - We're going. - Drinks for a quid at Manto's. 245 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:05,080 Shut up, don't. She's made the effort. She got a new skirt. 246 00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:07,080 Listen to her, Jiminy Cricket. 247 00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:10,780 Nathan, one drink! 248 00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,980 Fuck 'em. Just fuck 'em! 249 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:18,380 and lf you're ready steady lf you're ready... and 250 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:22,380 Give it time. Vince used to be embarrassed every time l came out. 251 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,580 He still is some nights but that's Bacardi for you. 252 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:29,680 l've got me drink, l'm staying and l'll keep coming back. 253 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,780 l won't give up on him. l'll keep coming back. 254 00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:34,880 and Oh yeah, jump up and yell 255 00:16:34,980 --> 00:16:38,380 and lf you're ready, oh-oh lf you're ready steady and 256 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:46,680 - Piss off, Christian! - Hear that, boys? He told me to piss off. 257 00:16:46,780 --> 00:16:49,180 Nathan Maloney can swear. 258 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,980 Tell us the rest, everyone says you've left home. 259 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,980 What happened? Your mother been shagging about? 260 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,380 - Shut up! - You're just so wrong! 261 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,380 Cos l've shafted her. 262 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,380 She was begging. She'd screw a dog, your mother. 263 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,280 Ah, did Nathan run away? 264 00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:08,780 Poor little boy, cos his father can't get it up? 265 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:12,680 What's the matter, Nathan? She ask you to give her one? 266 00:17:12,780 --> 00:17:15,380 - (Horn blaring) - (Stuart) Fuck off, kid! 267 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,480 That's my lift. 268 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,580 See you. 269 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,780 - l'm taking you home. - Brilliant. 270 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:27,080 Hazel's making pizza. She's cooking it herself. 271 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:29,980 - She's got this recipe... - l said home. 272 00:17:30,980 --> 00:17:33,180 Twat! 273 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,580 Go on, give them a chance. 274 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:51,180 - l'm still going back to Hazel's. - Your mother and father know. 275 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,280 You've got no idea how lucky you are. 276 00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:57,580 Go and argue, go and shout, go and watch telly with them. 277 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,780 l don't care, just get in there. 278 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,580 lf l do... 279 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,880 can l have another shag? 280 00:18:05,980 --> 00:18:07,980 Cheeky. 281 00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:14,880 Good luck. 282 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:20,880 What the fuck? 283 00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:22,880 (Tyres squealing) 284 00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:26,280 Jesus Christ! 285 00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:34,880 What the fuck do you think you're doing?! 286 00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,180 - Oh, shit. - lt's my dad! 287 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,280 Nathan, get in that house. 288 00:18:39,380 --> 00:18:42,780 He's 15 years old. He's 15! That boy is 15! 289 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,880 So? The Jeep's only six months old and you've still buggered it. 290 00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,380 - You bastard! - l'm warning you. Nine, nine... 291 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,080 - One more nine and the police... - Call them. 292 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,580 Tell them what you did to a 15-year-old boy. 293 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,180 Good point. 294 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,380 - What are you doing? - What l should've done ages ago. 295 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:02,180 This is him, is it? Stuart, Stuart Jones? 296 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,580 For God's sake, don't be so stupid! 297 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,680 Janice, take him inside. Take him inside right now! 298 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,980 Take him in and lock him in the closet. 299 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,280 You little bastard, you little bloody bastard... 300 00:19:13,980 --> 00:19:17,180 Have you seen the car? Mum, have you seen the car? 301 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,780 Helen, get back in the house. 302 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,480 Go inside, everybody, please go inside the bloody house! 303 00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:24,780 What's he done? What's Nathan done? 304 00:19:26,380 --> 00:19:28,080 Bastard! 305 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,680 Get inside. 306 00:19:32,180 --> 00:19:34,380 Get inside! 307 00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:46,180 Coming back? You want some more? 308 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,680 Cos you can have some more. 309 00:19:48,780 --> 00:19:50,180 You can have plenty! 310 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,680 - You little bastard! - Roy, sweetheart, less of the little. 311 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,380 And he's like, ''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' 312 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,980 My dad's got this face like he's exploding. 313 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,780 And if he bursts a blood vessel on this suit, he's dead. 314 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,380 ''Nine, nine - one more nine!'' 315 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,480 l'm phoning your mother. Someone has to. 316 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,280 Nathan Maloney, you're a lucky bastard. 317 00:20:26,380 --> 00:20:30,180 First you invent a violent father, then you actually get one. 318 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:33,180 - How's that lucky? - Long story. 319 00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:36,680 ''15, 15 years old!'' 320 00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:41,380 - lt's early, Stuart. Time yet for an encore. - What's that supposed to mean? 321 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,780 You've taken a family and torn it apart. What's next? 322 00:20:46,180 --> 00:20:49,580 lt wasn't his fault, be fair. He was trying to get him home. 323 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,080 How come he wasn't home in the first place? 324 00:20:52,180 --> 00:20:54,780 - l was doing the right thing. - He was helping. 325 00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:58,480 Yeah. Driving up in that bloody Jeep for all the world to see. 326 00:20:58,580 --> 00:21:02,180 - Subtle. - Ooh. Now, now, girls, time out. 327 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,480 Shut your face. Let's have a scrap. 328 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:07,780 Never mind his parents if you've got a good story. 329 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:11,980 They're coming from the other side of the world now to have a go at me. 330 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,580 (Mobile) 331 00:21:15,380 --> 00:21:16,780 What? 332 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,180 (Romey) 'Where have you been? lf you returned one call...' 333 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,880 Look, the day l've had. l've been attacked. 334 00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:25,880 Yeah. Can you come round? lt's quite important. 335 00:21:25,980 --> 00:21:29,280 l can't. The Jeep's a write-off, l'll see Alfred tomorrow. 336 00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:31,880 And these bastards have no sympathy. 337 00:21:31,980 --> 00:21:34,280 - 'Stuart...' - lt's Nathan's fault. 338 00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,980 - l tried to help, won't bother next time. - 'Stuart!' 339 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:39,780 l'm getting married. 340 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,480 What the fuck do you mean? 341 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,880 l'll phone and get the table for later. 342 00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:51,780 Better cancel. 343 00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:54,880 My visa is running out. 344 00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:59,480 lf l get married and we convince the Home Office it's a proper relationship, 345 00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:02,280 l can stay - it's that simple. 346 00:22:02,380 --> 00:22:05,080 And Romey offered, l didn't ask her. 347 00:22:05,180 --> 00:22:08,480 lt's just a certificate, it doesn't mean anything. 348 00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,780 l didn't say it did. Why is everyone having a go at me? 349 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:15,180 - Just look at you. - Of course you're worried, Stu. 350 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,780 l mean, there's Alfred. 351 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,980 - What about him? - l'll have to live here full time. 352 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:26,180 l've checked up. The Home Office can investigate whenever they want. 353 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:30,380 So l'll be here permanently. l got no choice. 354 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,080 - But you're his father. - Who said l wasn't? 355 00:22:33,180 --> 00:22:35,680 You could be here just as much as me. 356 00:22:35,780 --> 00:22:37,980 lf you made the effort. 357 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,780 - Sorry, do you mind? Starving. - Help yourself. 358 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:47,580 - What was it again? - Cameron. 359 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,380 l guess you've known Stuart and Vince for ages. 360 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:53,880 Far too long. 361 00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:58,080 Has it always been like this? Vince running after him? 362 00:22:58,180 --> 00:23:00,580 lt's the greatest love story never told. 363 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,780 Long after you're gone, he'll still have Vince. 364 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,080 Stuart's little acolyte, poor sod. 365 00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:12,180 But Vince can wait all he likes, that shag's never gonna happen. 366 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,380 Shit. You're with Vince. 367 00:23:23,180 --> 00:23:25,280 Yeah. 368 00:23:25,380 --> 00:23:27,580 Shit. 369 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,180 Easy mistake. 370 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:31,980 Stuart and Vince. 371 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:35,480 l mean he loves him, they're friends. 372 00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:39,180 l love my friends, don't you? That's all it is - friendship. 373 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,880 lt's not as if l didn't know. 374 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,580 There's some cambazola in the fridge, help yourself. 375 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,280 Have it all. 376 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,180 and You can say what you want... 377 00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,480 Vince. Not you. 378 00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:05,380 and l feel the same about you 379 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:10,880 and And you can tell me you're leaving but it won't change my feelings... and 380 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,380 (Horn toots) 381 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:36,880 l've been to see Frank, he's back in the hospital. 382 00:24:36,980 --> 00:24:38,780 l thought l'd just, uh... 383 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,380 Anyway, you've got your hands full. 384 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,380 Alfred. He's Romey's. 385 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,280 She's having a party, l said l'd look after him. 386 00:24:49,380 --> 00:24:51,880 All that cigarette smoke and stuff. 387 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,380 - She leaves a baby with you? - Yeah. 388 00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,980 How is he? Frank? 389 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,280 Oh, he's all right. 390 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,780 Look, are...are we standing here or...? 391 00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,180 Yeah. Sorry. 392 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:17,880 Must cost a bit, this place. 393 00:25:18,980 --> 00:25:20,980 l can afford it. 394 00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:24,380 Overdrawn? 395 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,180 No. 396 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,380 (Alfred gurgles) 397 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,380 Suppose you think we're mad. 398 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,380 Completely. 399 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:40,980 lt wasn't a joke. 400 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,880 The divorce. l did think about it. 401 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:50,180 l'm only 55. l could do anything. 402 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,780 You'd fall apart without each other. 403 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,880 No, l don't think we would. 404 00:25:57,980 --> 00:26:00,980 Well, you know what she's like, l mean... 405 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:02,580 (Sighs) 406 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,580 lt's not easy. 407 00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:08,580 (Alfred crying) 408 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,480 Look at him. He wants out. 409 00:26:12,980 --> 00:26:15,880 Come on, wee man. There we go. 410 00:26:15,980 --> 00:26:17,680 You're all right. 411 00:26:18,780 --> 00:26:21,480 Marie's been on the phone, having a go. 412 00:26:22,580 --> 00:26:25,580 One thing l give your sister, she says what she thinks. 413 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,180 Yeah, then she says it all again. 414 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:35,080 You've not done this before, have you? 415 00:26:35,180 --> 00:26:38,980 You'd have had him stay there all night. Little fella. 416 00:26:39,980 --> 00:26:42,180 She leaves her baby with you? 417 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,180 - She's a friend. - She must be a very good friend. 418 00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:52,580 - She's not that sort of friend. - Stuart, l didn't think that for a second. 419 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,680 Your mother and me, it's no wonder we ended up like this. 420 00:27:03,780 --> 00:27:05,680 lt's like... 421 00:27:05,780 --> 00:27:08,380 we've said everything there is to say. 422 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,780 Then again, l don't think we've said anything at all. 423 00:27:20,580 --> 00:27:22,580 lf ever... 424 00:27:23,380 --> 00:27:25,580 lf ever there's anything that... 425 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,580 Like what? 426 00:27:36,380 --> 00:27:38,880 l'm keeping you, l'd best be going. 427 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,980 You be careful with him, now. 428 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,580 lf you can't get him to sleep, your sister will tell you what to do. 429 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,180 l'm late, your mother'll be nagging me. 430 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,180 She has this thing about me driving at night. 431 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,580 l suppose as long as she's nagging, she's worried about me. 432 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,980 That's something, l suppose. 433 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,580 Pick him up first thing, mind. l'm in the small claims court at ten. 434 00:28:20,380 --> 00:28:23,680 (and Karen Ramirez: l Didn't Know l Was Looking For Love) 435 00:28:31,780 --> 00:28:34,780 and Didn't know l was looking for love 436 00:28:35,780 --> 00:28:39,080 and l was alone thinking l was just fine 437 00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:43,180 and l wasn't looking for anyone to be mine 438 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,480 and l thought love was just a fabrication 439 00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:50,480 and A train that wouldn't stop at my station 440 00:28:50,580 --> 00:28:54,080 and Home alone, that was my consignment 441 00:28:54,180 --> 00:28:57,780 and Solitary confinement 442 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:01,880 and So when we met l was skirting around you 443 00:29:01,980 --> 00:29:04,580 and Didn't know l was looking for love 444 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,080 and Until l found you, found you 445 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:26,280 l know, it's been bothering me. 446 00:29:26,380 --> 00:29:28,380 What are we gonna do? 447 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:31,980 - About what? - Vince's birthday. 448 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:36,280 Depends if l'm still here. 449 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:43,380 What is it, a family? 450 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:47,980 All those people gathered around, your own little make-believe family. 451 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,980 You even had a baby just to finish it off. 452 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:54,980 lf you think that's a family, you're fucked. 453 00:29:56,380 --> 00:29:59,480 lt's sex. lt's always sex with you. 454 00:29:59,580 --> 00:30:01,980 Everything you do is sex. 455 00:30:05,580 --> 00:30:09,080 What do you think Vince is there for? 456 00:30:09,180 --> 00:30:11,280 He's my friend. 457 00:30:11,380 --> 00:30:13,680 He's just waiting. 458 00:30:13,780 --> 00:30:17,380 He's been waiting so long he thinks he's happy. 459 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,980 Being with you every day of his life 460 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,680 is as close as he's going to get. 461 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:28,580 - Close to what? - To the day you finally fuck him. 462 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,380 And don't tell me you didn't know that. 463 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:38,980 Look, l could go. l could just walk away. 464 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:41,180 l don't think he'd even notice. 465 00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:44,680 But he's worth the chance. 466 00:30:44,780 --> 00:30:47,480 He deserves the chance, doesn't he? 467 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,780 So what am l supposed to do? 468 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:55,380 Leave him alone, if you are any sort of a friend. 469 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:57,780 Cos there's no such thing as Vince. 470 00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:01,180 He doesn't exist on his own, you don't let him. 471 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,380 And l like him. 472 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,080 So maybe l'm stupid. 473 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,680 But l really like him. 474 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:26,880 (and Blondie: One Way Or Another)